The end of September and the beginning of October have brought a series of storms through north Texas. At the same time, there have been a series of storms in my life. The weather has definitely mirrored my emotional state of late.
The financial storm continues. This has been a drought of epic proportions and I see no relief in the immediate future. The fact that I still have a roof is due to the grace of God and nothing else. He has seen to it that funds were made available when needed, even though between those times it was touch and go. It still is. I have to depend on Him to provide the next windfall as well.
Emotional storms have appeared. Conflicting desires, feelings, beliefs, and actions have rendered me an emotional wreck. My writing has been tainted and stunted because of the whirlwind of emotional garbage that is twisting through my head. The blog title is completely apropos. I have been absolutely out of my mind for about a month.
As I watch another storm move through outside my window today, I think of the decisions I've made in the last few days and even the last few hours. One cause of conflict has been eliminated, but a conflict yet remains. Eliminating the cause does not eliminate the desire. Knowing something is emotionally unhealthy does not necessarily stop one from desiring that thing. Thus, the conflict.
So how does one stop desire? How does one stop wanting that which is wrong, or unhealthy, or unavailable?
I don't have an answer. The storm continues. The sun is there, it's just covered by the clouds. I know it will shine again, both in the reality of weather and in the reality of my life. I cling to that truth.
God is good. He does forgive. He does provide. He does heal, the body and the soul. Nothing is beyond His ability. But He does not force the healing. We must seek it and be willing to undergo the healing. Sometimes that hurts. We have to face things that are painful. Truth is not always an easy thing to deal with. But something I have learned is that unless I am willing to face the pain, and even endure it for a season, I will not heal.
I have endured some of the painful things of my past. I've gotten past them and healed those old wounds. It's the new wounds and pains that I must now face. Some of those wounds are self inflicted. I manage to hurt myself far more often than I am hurt by others. And so I seek out my Father. I know I have been wrong, and I know that my choices were rebellious and disobedient. I pray that I have returned before it's too late to undo any damage.
God is good. God does forgive His wayward children when they are sincere in their repentance. He does not always allow us to escape the consequences of our rebellion, but He does forgive and He does restore. That is the truth I now cling to.
The storms roll in and they will roll out. There may be damage left behind but it is nothing that cannot be repaired. In the end, new growth will emerge, watered by the rain, strengthened by standing against the wind and warmed by the returning sun. I await that day as I endure, and pray, and remain.
